Back on Track

I think I've lost count of how many times I've vowed to start a blog over (between this and my old LJ). It seems that I manage to update for 2-3 days afterwards and then I get lost in the commotion once again. Typically this happens when I'm particularly down in the dumps or with my own black dog. I'm not particularly convinced that I'm currently running through that familiar up and down course at the moment.  What I think has finally happened is the proverbial moment of clarity. I've had a constant battle waxing and waining in my mind for the last 2 years, and it all stems from a really horrible relationship and how it destroyed the strong, confident and completely independent woman that I had become. I managed to build it back up and let another person tear it all away once again. I got back on the trail once again, never realizing the whole time that I was what was tearing myself apart.

No, I've never been formally diagnosed, which I find highly interesting on its own. I think what happens each time is that I get things back into place enough that I fool myself into believing that I've really 100% solved the puzzle. I get comfortable, open up and start a relationship, then the first time things don't go quite the way I wanted them to I regress back to that baseline broken state.  What I end up doing is persistently over-thinking every situation. I consistently over-analyze each verbal or physical que and place entirely too much weight on predicted, but absent, action. Often times I end up making up situations in my mind, and being a continuous pessimist and blaming myself for everything. All these factors contribute to the overwhelming negativity I project. (The exception to this pattern is my previous relationship, which was truly not my fault, although I blamed myself at first. There is never an excuse for dishonesty, deception and unfaithfulness.)

I am currently in a relationship with a man that I do believe genuinely loves me deeply.  We never really argued much prior to the existence of some unpredictable life stressors that do not involve me at all. The more things got tense, the more I realize I fell back into this pattern.  I constantly disrespect myself, fail to trust my gut and question everything.  So here it is.  Being a woman of science (by love and degree), I will employee an exercise that appeals to those qualities in attempt to really knock out my own shadow. I will attempt the positive psychology exercise of "Three Good Things."  In Dr. Seligman's large RCT (randomized controlled trial, for those non-clinical folks out there), participants were asked to complete 5 happiness exercises and one placebo controlled exercise. All were completed for 1 week, and the patients were followed for 6 months in which their psychological symptoms were measured. An ANOVA analysis was completed and essentially the patients who completed 2 of the happiness exercises had a statistically significant increase in their happiness up to the end of the follow up period (6 months).
 
Folks...this is as scientific as the psychology research field gets (aside from neuropsychology). Each night, for at least a month (and as long as I can tolerate it there-after) I will follow one of the 2 happiness exercises that displayed statistical significance in the RCT.

Participants were asked to write down three things that went well each day and their causes every night for one week. In addition, they were asked to provide a causal explanation for each good thing.

 

Here are my inaugural Three Good Things:

1. PGY1 interviews.  My administrative project for my PGY2 has been to re-vamp our PGY1 interview process. Despite the many challenges and political waters that I've had to tread, the interviews are going well. I've received feedback several times that the process is the best it has been in years.
2. Pharmacy students in the ICU. Teaching is something important to me as I continue to take the next steps in my career. Today one of the two students assigned to the ICU said to me that they really enjoyed my teaching style.
3. Personal interactions. Despite some last-minute plan changes, I maintained a positive thought and refused to let myself over-think a situation.

 

The posts may not always be public, but I will be honest if I miss a day.