Disconnect to Reconnect

Spent the weekend in Uwharrie National Forrest with my Jeep family and some new friends.  I have to say it was a good weekend. My phone was off/dead, so I don't have many pictures to contribute.  I want to get a nice camera (and learn how to use it).

Three Good Things:

1. Camping (the obvious first choice)
2. Jeep (the obvious second choice)
3. Fresh air - for almost 48 hours the only walls that held me in were the tent.

April Fools

No one made a fool out of me today. There were some pretty good jokes out online though, my favorite one being that the force was confirmed by the folks at CERN with the LHC.

On a side note, my laundry pile (clean laundry, mind you) seems to be multiplying like a Tribble. I have my annual optometry appointment tomorrow, time to see how much my blindness is increasing.

Also, there is a critical care position at a VA in Chuck-town! I am going to apply! :)

Three Good Things:

1. Lovely weather
2. A nice candle (pumpkin!)
3. Custom dresses. Yes, I ordered custom dresses. I sincerely hope these fit better. I had to send 2 of the 3 back last time.

Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter

Who gets hiccups at 23:30? Me. -_-  It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well at all last night.  I tossed and turned, and had some really strange dreams. I don't really remember the subjects of the dreams, just waking up after each in a semi-weirded out state.

My boss has been on vacation for the last few days and I can say that I have recieved 5 phone calls in the last 2 days.  I normally exceed 10 in one day. This is so refreshing! Unfortunately I'm just so burnt out from going non-stop for almost 1 & 3/4 years that my drive and motivation to do anything right now just isn't there. No matter what I do, every day starts the same and ends with me dreading looking at a computer screen or writing a "To Do" list. Tonight I was going to come home, go for a run and then buckle down and really work on my (impending) SERC presentation. Unfortnately my plans got changed, and I had to settle for a walk, but then laundry happened. Laundry needed to happen, but I've gotten nothing done and it is 23:42. I'm supposed to show them something different tomorrow. Ugh. I need a vacation, but I can't afford to go on the kind I want. I really cannot just take time off and stay here. That won't be relaxing, and I'm almost confident it will make things worse for me.


Once again, I know I am slacking at this...add it to the list of things I'm not doing well lately.

Three Good Things:

1. 30 min walk. It was 72*F! :) How could this not be on the list. Unfortunately this is two-fold.  I have really gained some weight back and lost a lot of muscle and definition since I haven't been running regularly. It was really difficult to work into my schedule when I was unhappy, but now that I'm somewhat stable I am even more busy than last year.
2. Time to myself.
3. My bed.

*hiccup* I'm going to see if some Founder's Dirty Bastard will make them go away.

Neglect

Three Good Things:

1. Surviving the weekend.  Really running on no fuel right now.
2. Custom dress. I ordered three custom made dresses, but only one of them fit well.  Fortunately that one fits very well :)
3. National Puppy Day. Seriously. A bunch of puppy photos on a Monday? WIN!

Again

Once again I am failing at this whole daily update thing.  I've never been the greatest at it.  I will try to post an extra :)

Three Good Things:

1. Spare driveshaft. I'm pretty happy that I have a spare driveshaft, my current rear one is squeaking away. 
2. 50 mpg.  I made a smart purchase, although I'm still pretty poor.  I couldn't pass up a deal on a vehicle that really will be a reliable and economical purchase. I cheated a little bit though, it was my dad's old car. My parents were going to trade it in, but J talked some sense into me and said that it may be rough on my wallet now, but it will benefit it later. Say hello to the 2009 Jetta TDI!
3. Blessed. I have three vehicles, I never thought I would be this blessed. I need to do a little bit of fixing up on the truck and the Jetta.
4. Protein. Finally made a great tasting protein shake.  I just need to tone up a bit more, I've really slacked a lot on my running.  I really do hope I will have  more time for that when I am done with residency.

Tomorrow is the first night J and I have set aside to have sit-down, across-the-table dinner with each other.  When things got ugly he made the suggestion that we do this weekly.  It is often hard with both of our schedules to have a sit-down dinner that isn't just fast-food snacks.  I think it is so important and it really does make me happy that he does as well.  No TV, cell phones or distractions; I'm am so excited!

One Good Thing

I am returning to my three good things kick after a brief hiatus this weekend. Today I only have one good thing, and it really counts as more than three. 

Good Thing:

1. My test came back negative! I may not have to ever hear the "c-word" again! :)  This is a game changer!

1900-0700

I won't be updating tomorrow, I have to work overnight at another hospital about an hour away. I still have to work tomorrow morning too, so I am scooting off to bed.

Three Good Things:

1. Good preliminary test results. :) I can breathe for a while. 6 months until another test!
2. Bonus. I got my first bonus today. It isn't large, but it feels nice!
3. Relaxing. For one night, because I know I'm not going to relax much in the next 19 days.

Repeat.

Tomorrow is either going to go very well or very poorly.  I don't want to post three good things, but I will.

Three good things:

1. Puppy.

Translation "lets play!!" 🎾 #lab #stillapuppy #playtime

A video posted by Morg (@vadr_tj) on Mar 10, 2015 at 5:34pm PDT

2. Students.  This seems to be the only constant good thing in my day recently.
3. Brooks.

This trail has officially seen 300 miles from me. Some happy, but most were angry/frusterated. Heres to better trails. #running

A photo posted by Morg (@vadr_tj) on Mar 10, 2015 at 4:07pm PDT

Nine Good Things.

I was bad, and I slept in this weekend. I forgot to do my three good things, twice.  I owe you nine tonight, even though I don't really feel like writing good things or anything at all. 

Nine Good Things:

1. Weekends off.
2. Birthdays.  They are good in a way, but not when it takes 3 hours to eat dinner.
3. Visiting friend. Útila is truly too far away.
4. Solitude.  I may not always like it, but I need it. 
5. Puppy kisses. Seriously, they go a long way.
6. Music.
7. Education.
8. Compliments.
9. Food.  My grandmother always makes the best food, and it lifts the soul up no matter how heavy it feels.

Quick

Three Good Things:

1. Past travel.  I looked back on it and I really have gotten to see a lot of things in different places. 
2. Celebrations. it is always nice to celebrate a friend's birthday. 
3. Friday night. Unwinding after a work week is always nice. 

Clinomania

For real. I'm a want-to-be clinomaniac on these cold days.

Three Good Things:

1. Dry eyes.  This sounds strange, but there is nothing more fearful than someone who works in an ICU, with regular exposure to MRSA/C.diff/MDROs and a very pink, painful eye.  Phew. I even had my eyes checked by an optometrist today.  Needless to say, I've got several lubricating and moisturizing eye drops now.
2. No snow. 
3. Finder's fee. Moving things right along.

Puppy Tummy

It is never fun when a puppy has an upset tummy. I say 'puppy' still because she is still less than a year old (although 10 months doesn't leave too many more chances to call her a puppy).  I was up with her 3 times between 0100 and 0600 last night. 

Three Good Things:

1. Getting better. Coco's tummy is much better today :)  Definitely makes me feel better, so maybe we both can get a good night of sleep.
2. Future plans. Had a meeting with two of my superiors today and it went very well.  Send good thoughts/vibes/prayers my way.  A lot can potentially change for me in a couple of months.
3. Sunshine. It was beautiful, sunny and 70*F.  We have a chance for snow and sleet tomorrow.  I kid you not.  You can't make NC weather up!

Jams

I'm giving All That Remains' new album a listen.  I really don't know how I feel about it.  They have changed so much from the band I loved so much in high school.  Change isn't always a good thing, but this album feels like less of a "sell-out" than their last one.  I'll still take albums like This Darkened Heart (2004) or The Fall of Ideals (2006) any day! My genre of music died in 2007-2008.

On a completely different (and serious) topic...I'm starting to get kind of worried about my future. I've been entirely wrapped up in my two projects lately (they both really took off). I've really got to get my bottom in gear and apply for some jobs. I officially said "no thank you" to the Saudi job.

I forgot to post my 3 good things from yesterday! This is the first time I've missed a day too! I'll make up for it and give 6 tonight. :)

Six Good Things

1. Rank meeting.  I held our rank meeting yesterday to finally put all of our candidates in order.  The meeting went very well. I was very focused on professionalism, objective evaluation and not letting personal opinions and individuals preferences take over. We produced a great list!
2. Rank approval. To continue on the same thread (the above 'good thing' happened yesterday, followed by today's 'good thing').  I presented the ranked list to our RED (residency education and development) team today, and it was approved! I am so happy and excited to find out who we match with for our PGY1 program on March 20th! I think we will truly be lucky to match with any of the wonderful and talented candidates we ranked.
3. Pancakes.  I'm trying my best to open up a little more.  At the beginning of this year I was encouraged to kind of keep my distance from the current PGY1 class and let them bond together first. Almost all of our remaining class went out to enjoy national pancake day at IHOP.
4. Krankies. I'm always grateful for Krankies coffee (my local roaster and brewer extraordinaire).  I'm trying to get in some time with one of my great friends before the next step in life happens. I always struggle with keeping friends. Bonus points: I picked up a new, super soft sweatshirt with the Krankies logo on it. :)
5. Dinner last night. Things are definitely getting better.
6. XJ. J picked up another project Jeep, which really just needs a motor. It is always wonderful to see friends helping friends (even though they secretly just like to get out and use their toys!)

That is all for tonight folks!

Lazy Day

I don't get too many of these, but I feel like I've taken advantage of it. I've also done some work too.

Three Good Things:

1. Sleeping in. Enough said. Ever.
2. Friends. Spent some time with a good friend last night. I'll be pretty sad that the next step in life will put geographical distance between me and my few friends.
3. Ends. I'm starting to wrap up a large project I've worked on a lot this year.  I'm very happy with the way it has gone so far.  I hope that means I can devote more time to hopefully finding a job

Live Long and Prosper

What a sad day in the Trek world.  Leonard Nimoy lost his battle with COPD. 

Three Good Things:

1. Date with J. We went on a dinner date for the first time in a month. I always enjoy getting to spend time with him.
2. Friday. Wrapped up our 24th, 25th, 26th, and 27th candidate interviews. We have one more to go!
3. A good night's sleep.  It really does wonders for the mind, body and health.  I got 9 solid hours for the first time in a while.

Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, Snowzilla, Chersnowbyl

We got 5 inches of the fluffy stuff.

3 Good Things:

1. Snow.  It was beautiful to watch falling, in the city did a good job getting the most of the main roads cleaned off early in the morning, so my drive to work really wasn't difficult at all. 
2. Presentation. My time management skills have been challenged a lot this month, and while I don't think this was one of my stronger presentations I got several comments afterwards that it was a good presentation. 
3. Bed. I am truly exhausted so I'm fully taking advantage of my ability to go to bed early tonight. 

First Flakes

The snow has begun to fall in my neck of the woods, and is expected to continue until 0600 tomorrow. The prediction of 5-8" has me pretty excited.  Well, I need to finish (...errrr...start...) my seminar presentation.

3 Good Things:

1. Good sports.  Despite the strange schedule, I had one PGY1 and one PGY2 candidate at the hospital today interviewing.  It was a difficult schedule for us, but I think it worked out well in the end. 
2. Thankful people. Along the same lines of the interviews, I received a thank you letter from one of our promising candidates and it truly made my day. 
3. Snow. Enough said, it just makes me happy! 

Suprise Snow

Peeked out of my window at 0600 and was greeted by a wonderful white blanket (although thin). :) Thanks crazy NC weather.  I drove the F250 today, and I must say she did OK. Our roads already had an inch of snow/ice on them by the time I left at 0700.

Three Good Things: 

1. Glow Plugs: I forgot to plug my truck in overnight, and when I woke up to snow I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it started (and of course the TJ is at J's house).  I recently got some new glow plugs (only 3 of 8 were working) installed in my F250 when I got a new clutch.  Getting it to start on the 4th crank at 19*F went really well!
2. Safe drive: I was able to get to work safe by taking backroads and going slower than normal.  There were over 100 reported traffic accidents in my home county before 0900.
3. My repair man: I got pretty lucky to find a guy that wants to make sure I'm driving something safe and reliable every day (even if he takes over any kind of repair that I can do). There is a new alternator, thermostat and hoses in my TJ now in preparation for the impending, rare snow storm that is rolling into the southeast.  

Back on Track

I think I've lost count of how many times I've vowed to start a blog over (between this and my old LJ). It seems that I manage to update for 2-3 days afterwards and then I get lost in the commotion once again. Typically this happens when I'm particularly down in the dumps or with my own black dog. I'm not particularly convinced that I'm currently running through that familiar up and down course at the moment.  What I think has finally happened is the proverbial moment of clarity. I've had a constant battle waxing and waining in my mind for the last 2 years, and it all stems from a really horrible relationship and how it destroyed the strong, confident and completely independent woman that I had become. I managed to build it back up and let another person tear it all away once again. I got back on the trail once again, never realizing the whole time that I was what was tearing myself apart.

No, I've never been formally diagnosed, which I find highly interesting on its own. I think what happens each time is that I get things back into place enough that I fool myself into believing that I've really 100% solved the puzzle. I get comfortable, open up and start a relationship, then the first time things don't go quite the way I wanted them to I regress back to that baseline broken state.  What I end up doing is persistently over-thinking every situation. I consistently over-analyze each verbal or physical que and place entirely too much weight on predicted, but absent, action. Often times I end up making up situations in my mind, and being a continuous pessimist and blaming myself for everything. All these factors contribute to the overwhelming negativity I project. (The exception to this pattern is my previous relationship, which was truly not my fault, although I blamed myself at first. There is never an excuse for dishonesty, deception and unfaithfulness.)

I am currently in a relationship with a man that I do believe genuinely loves me deeply.  We never really argued much prior to the existence of some unpredictable life stressors that do not involve me at all. The more things got tense, the more I realize I fell back into this pattern.  I constantly disrespect myself, fail to trust my gut and question everything.  So here it is.  Being a woman of science (by love and degree), I will employee an exercise that appeals to those qualities in attempt to really knock out my own shadow. I will attempt the positive psychology exercise of "Three Good Things."  In Dr. Seligman's large RCT (randomized controlled trial, for those non-clinical folks out there), participants were asked to complete 5 happiness exercises and one placebo controlled exercise. All were completed for 1 week, and the patients were followed for 6 months in which their psychological symptoms were measured. An ANOVA analysis was completed and essentially the patients who completed 2 of the happiness exercises had a statistically significant increase in their happiness up to the end of the follow up period (6 months).
 
Folks...this is as scientific as the psychology research field gets (aside from neuropsychology). Each night, for at least a month (and as long as I can tolerate it there-after) I will follow one of the 2 happiness exercises that displayed statistical significance in the RCT.

Participants were asked to write down three things that went well each day and their causes every night for one week. In addition, they were asked to provide a causal explanation for each good thing.

 

Here are my inaugural Three Good Things:

1. PGY1 interviews.  My administrative project for my PGY2 has been to re-vamp our PGY1 interview process. Despite the many challenges and political waters that I've had to tread, the interviews are going well. I've received feedback several times that the process is the best it has been in years.
2. Pharmacy students in the ICU. Teaching is something important to me as I continue to take the next steps in my career. Today one of the two students assigned to the ICU said to me that they really enjoyed my teaching style.
3. Personal interactions. Despite some last-minute plan changes, I maintained a positive thought and refused to let myself over-think a situation.

 

The posts may not always be public, but I will be honest if I miss a day.